Knowing that 350 million children will groggily wake up on Nov 1 and then dart to their cache of candy and start snarling like wolves when their parents say its time for school makes me a bit depressed. Halloween must be one of the most worthless and most health-destructive holidays ever.

Consider what mixed messages we’re stirring into our kids: oh its ok to glut on this gutrot industrial corn byproduct they cant even feed to cattle — but no — lets dress up and frenzy about trying to collect as much of this unnaturally sweet drug as possible before we crash out in the living room gloating over our carefully counted horde. But…

…then we try and take it away! This gold they quested in exciting costumes to binge on. “Because its not good for them.” This pile of stuff, uh, candy is *theirs!* Why did we let them get it at all?

It’s so absurd for a nation in such bad health to drive their kids from house to house to collect this corn syrup that should never be in anyone’s diets to begin with. We’re teaching that the candy is valuable and precious. And a few very rich people know that they don’t have to make any money on halloween candy…this is the gateway drug for a life lived on prepackaged food that just looks healthier but is just as terrible for your health.

I look forward to less candy and better costumes and scarrier displays in my front yard. Giving away stickers or handfulls of green noodles for brains. I need to steer this holiday into territory I won’t be ashamed of.

I like the walking around the neighborhood at night bit. This is good in many ways. This should be safe every night, not just haloween. However, what other quick, tricky, creative and icky ideas should we start practicing for our wee visitors in costume?